Tell Me. What Could He Be Thinking?

Posted on 01/16/2012 by n2n

Though part of writing a romance novel is to create fantasy, I still want the male lead to be someone we might know in real life. In my pursuit of understanding men (much easier to accept as a writer, not a girlfriend/wife), I read No More Mr. Nice Guy! and found examples of men who are not yet ready for a healthy relationships.

In What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian, he opened my eyes to things men do that seem strange and sometimes even illogical to women. Here are a few things that jumped out at me.

A marriage ends when both:

lost their compassion for the other’s pain
no longer have the knowledge of the other’s nature

That is sad to me because 1 tells me that they no longer to care for each other and 2 tells me they are married to a stranger. How did any couples get to this point from being close enough to get married? I cringe at the thought of it.

A man feels by DOING.

I guess that’s why they try to fix women’s problems instead of listening. The author suggests for the ladies to have a group of girlfriends to talk things out. This makes total sense to me. I think most women would appreciate a man who takes action than the one who doesn’t. Besides, by talking his ears off, he might not hear your request for him to jump into action for your sake.

Male Mode of Feeling

Delayed emotion reaction.
Years ago, I asked my then boyfriend a serious question, he didn’t react. I thought he was ignoring me. After a few days, he answered and explained he needed time to consider his response because he didn’t want to take it lightly. So, I’d say this is true. Give him time to think is a really good tip.
Respond to emotion by being physical.
When he’s emotional, he might go for a run, take a drive, or can’t stay put.
Masking emotion while processing emotion.
- leave me along – needing time to recover
- let’s fight – become dominating
- it’s nothing to worry about – recalling amplifies the hurt. This should go for women as well. If all we do is retelling the same issue and not making any changes, what we are doing is the carving a deep groove into the pain we already feel. And still no actual improvement in the end.

I’m only half way through the book but I am already a bit more confident in writing more complete male characters.

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

Posted on 12/16/2011 by n2n

A character has just arrived on the scene in a story I’m writing. He seems like a all around good guy who is liked by both men and woman. In a conversation with the leading lady, he reveals that he, as he is now, didn’t come easy. He was a Mr. Nice Guy who never says no to his girlfriends but they left him anyway.

I had to stop writing at that point. What is it about him that he allowed himself to be treated that way?

A friend mentioned the possibility of childhood trauma and suggested that he only got better after finding a new hobby or sport to develop his self-confidence. While I agree with his view, I needed to learn more about Mr. Nice Guy before I can complete the backstory of this character.

No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Dr. Robert A. Glover explained the making of a Mr. Nice Guy.

As it turned out, Mr. Nice Guys do and say nice things with strings attached, however unconscious their actions may be. They never voice their needs or wants, thinking that’s a sign of weakness. Mr. Nice Guy lives in a fantasy that by doing everything “right”, their life will be problem free and his needs will magically be fulfilled. Then he suggested ways to transform from being a Mr. Nice Guy to being a Mr. Real Guy.

The funny thing is, I can see a bit of myself in Mr. Nice Guy as well.

I’ve always pride myself as a “low maintenance” woman. Now I know I’m also a Mr. Nice Guy. We think having a need makes us bad. So, while we appear to have no needs, we were only denying that part of ourselves. It’s ironic that this behavior also kills the opportunity to receive love and kindness from others.

As I read on, I found more traits that I share with Mr. Nice Guy.

Avoid new situations / Stay with the familiar
Give what I want to give instead what’s needed
Try harder to fix an old issue but use the same ineffective method (which Einstein defined as insanity, how fitting!)

I am pretty sure I’ve grown enough to repeat that last two patterns. Now I just need the courage to move away from my comfort zone.

No More Mr. Nice Guy! not only helped me create a character who had “lived”, I also gain some insight into my own unhealthy thinking and belief.

So to all the Mr. Nice Guy and Miss. Nice Gal, accept your imperfect self and you shall prosper!

The Reluctant Metrosexual

Posted on 12/15/2011 by n2n

While browsing in the Men-Psychology section on the library shelf to research for a story I’m writing, I found The Reluctant Metrosexual by Peter Hyman.

I pulled it off because I was curious to see if a metrosexual man thinks like the fashion challenged men. I read the first few pages and found his writing funny. Of course the situation he was in was already weird but I don’t think anyone can paint the picture as well as he did.

In the chapter about being unemployed and attached to a successful woman, he wrote about his mistake and about being “a typical man” by doing hair brain things to deplete her love and support. Here is my favorite quote in this chapter:

… you realize that you are now poor, jobless, and heartbroken (three states of being that, taken together, create a Doppler effect known as the “Triple Crown of Unemployment Loserhood”).

According to his web site, he is married with children now. He must have learned from his mistakes. I can’t wait to read about what other painful lessons he had to endure before he won the heart of his wife.

A Design for Creativity

Posted on 11/15/2011 by n2n

creative juicer hand stitched notebooks My last post on the book 59 Seconds by Richard Wiseman was on happiness. This time I was inspired by the chapter on creativity.

For this notebook called, the creative juicer, I combined two of his suggestions.

Using the color green and a repetitive pattern with one altered element. Both have been scientifically proven to increase creativity.

So, I made these to take with me everywhere. And whenever I need to get my creative juice pumping, all I have to do is first think of the problem at hand then glance at the front cover of my Creative Juicer.

Vuala! That’s all it takes.

Like to have your very own creative juicer? Leave me a note and I’ll be in touch.

59 Seconds to Happiness!

Posted on 09/12/2011 by n2n

Why doesn’t positive thinking ever work for me? Something wrong with me? As it turned out, Richard Wiseman, the author of 59 Seconds, by research results that positive thinking doesn’t work.

But why? Let’s try something, trust me it wont’ hurt.
Don’t think of the pink elephant.

Are you NOT thinking of the pink elephant? Of course you are. That’s why suppressing negative thoughts doesn’t work. You see, for us to NOT DO something, we first have to FOCUS on the something for us to not do. There is no way our minds can get away from it.

So, what can I do to be happy? Prof. Wiseman provides the solutions in the “Happiness” chapter of 59 Seconds.

One suggestion is to behave like a happy person, then the happiness will come — smile (thinking happy thoughts helps); sit-up; act happy (walk/talk like a happy person). Wow, who knew pretending to be happy can make us happy!

The 5-day journaling method is my favorite, being a writer and all. Each day, he gives you something to write about. You only need to write for 59 seconds but I just wrote until I felt like stopping. He says the happiness will last a few months and it does!

Before my first entry on 7/25/11, I was frustrated with myself and how things in my life just won’t move forward. Now, almost 2 months later, the frustration hasn’t returned, even though things are still moving in a leisurely pace.

59 Seconds to Happiness? Yes, it can happen!

Needs to Note

Quests to Satisfy My Curiosity, Metaphysical and Otherwise

Category Archives: I Read This